Shit shit shit…
I just got my period. Bloody fucking shit. If there is one day of the month I hate men and would like to poke them all with my stiletto heel in the eye socket, it is this. The first day of my crappy crampy ordeal. Everyone, shut the fuck up. Listen you motherfuckers, this is some tough shit, I am bleeding out an organ! (okay fine, an organ lining) why am I not given two days off? A province in China does it…http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/china-provinces-offer-women-menstrual-leave-day-off-during-their-period-a6876646.html
Listen up grandmas and ma , why have you told me to just bear it all these years. I hate you even more. And most of all those weird ass west delhi-gynecologists, you bitc*es! I come in to your office/clinic (after paying a consulting fee) and all you will ask me is whether I am married or non and then dismiss me when I am not? Let’s never check an Indian girl for HPV, STDs, freaking maybe AIDS?? and least of all period pain.. yeh toh sabko hota hai . So let me get this straight for a proper gynecologist consultation a girls gotta go to So-Del? Ugh
Back to my bloody ordeal, its been a decade, more actually. Let me hide my age, okay no, wassup with that? That’s a post for another day. Anyway.
Do you know how a period feels like? Would you like to know what all to never say to someone who is menstruating? And most importantly what to say? Yes Yes and Yes? Read on my fraaand. Later I will send you a creepy message on Facebook asking your hand in frandship.
What to say/do?
If you are an employer, please catch up, its 2016 and if your woman employees can give you sufficient medical proof that her first two days are unbearable. Let them have two days off, think of it logically, she will rest, recover and stay productive. What do you think happens to work when we are in soo much pain? No this is not the same as giving men two days off, because we aren’t exactly sitting around farting and doing nothing all day long, we are probably curled up in a ball sweating and cursing womanhood. Really. Scared that some of us will misuse this? Ask for sufficient medical proof. This also does not make a woman a more expensive hire, you know whats an expensive hire? an unproductive employee that spends time starring at walls, taking smoke breaks, and being on Facebook, also writing a side-blog on your clock. So please.
If you are a boyfriend/husband/significant other, please understand that every woman is different, so is her period. Just be nice and loving, also give us period sex, because we are horny as fuck. The blood acts like nature’s lubricant, it helps us with the cramps. Legit. Also, please help us get over our bloated body if you can. Just kiss, cuddle, have sex (we aren’t asking you to go down under) ask what she craves for, do not assume, be our body pillow, or leave us alone if we want you to. You will never fully understand what our female body is doing to us, some periods are bad some are okaish. Get to know your woman and her period. Please don’t be awkward when we ask you to go get us sanitary napkins or tampons or any of the other bazillion things we use these days. Just ask for the last package we used, read it carefully and just repeat. It is that simple. We know it gets complicated to buy, but usually we will give you full instructions like: get me the 317 mm XL Wings Whisper Ultra. Or the night ones, or the ones for light periods. You get it right?
If you are a friend or a brother, if you know we are on our period, just be a little considerate. For instance don’t press us to do hardcore physical activities. If we ask you to buy us tampons/pads refer above.
So how does it feel?
Mine feels like death. I pass out, my blood pressure drops low, I sweat, like cold sweat. I need to eat ajwain (Carom seeds) and zeera (Cumin) just to come to my senses. An in-house medicine is often prepared, which I usually flush down the toilet and then I demand to eat a salt-ajwain-zeera paratha for breakfast lunch and dinner for three days straight. Not all women like chocolate, like really, I will do what all with nutella is beyond your imagination (maybe). A jar of nutella per period never hurt anybody.
This is when we bleed the most, yes, universally. Some friends are lucky that two days is all they get. But activity is hard even on Day 2. Cramps get finished for me, but its a massacre down there.
This is where the magic is. This day feels like a phoenix rising from her ashes. I feel like a new woman. The flow is strong but the cramps are gone. Atleast for me. I return to work but not check in at the gym. Fuck you Whisper for showing women in white pants dancing around and playing sports, I ain’t doing that. I wait for my body to recover.
The return of the cramps. Mild discomfort. But you still can’t pull a Jitender and wear white pants, yet. Most women average out, and day 4 is their last. Not for me, I was not born that lucky you see.
Day 5-Day 7
I resume my physical activities, depending on. Infact with the exception of the first two days I am usually fine and functional the rest of the days.
What never to say to someone who is menstruating?
Itna dard sabhi ko hota hai
I am going to say this to you when you loose a loved one, at their funeral. How would that feel? Yes most women (nope, not all) go thru with it but for everyone and everytime the pain is as fresh. So say nothing.
‘It is not that bad’-usually said by a girl to another guy
BITCH. Maybe it is not that bad for you. So shut the fuck up, put on some white pants and dance around, I don’t care.
‘Drink tons of water. Eat chocolate. Women tend to get moody’ -a boyfriend
First off, the woman you dated before me? No we are not the same people! She might like chocolate I like nutella! Also don’t let your testosterone lead you to believe that you know better how must I handle my period. Dude, get this and get this now, its my body and I know best. Do not bring the baggage of your knowledge from either your sisters or your exs onto me. I am a different woman, my period is different. If anything look at it from fresh eyes.
‘Are you acting like that because you are on your period?’
Okay so maybe there are certain little hormonal changes in my body, but really it won’t cause me to act out. Because:
a. If I have been having my period for a long time, I am in complete control
b. This is just a myth, we do feel a bit emotional, very little bit. But this is basically media brainwash
But now that you are claiming I am crazy because of my period, let me just run you over with my car, because hey thats what crazy women do right?
‘I am not going to have sex with you on your period’
Also, where is my emoji for a period?
Umm also, there are weed tampons now? woot woot
A few disclaimers*:
Although I am not too keen to touch the pickle or non( I did not even know a superstition like that existed until I saw the adv), I do frequent a temple and the only reason I wouldn’t is because I am a germophobe and temples do not exactly have the best toilets (aah, toilets not restrooms)
When my father asks me why do I look distressed or eating my above mentioned meal on repeat, I do not mumble a vague answer (which my mother would prefer) I simply tell him.
Also I do not listen to when I am told, aisa sabke sath hota hai